We all know the mythology of Atlas and have seen images of the lonely figure with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Until last night Atlas was just just an image for me, but I had an experience that made that image come to life. I realized that I am Atlas in a sense. I assume that everyone who reads this is aware that I'm a stutterer and have been since I was a child. As a kid, my dad would always tell me that he outgrew it and that I would likely outgrow it as well. My entire childhood and teenage years were spent waiting for that day to come when I would wake up and be able to speak normally. That day still hasn't come.
Because I was waiting for some switch to flip with my speech, I never dealt with emotional ramifications of having a speech impediment. I just thought if it was going to dissipate over time that there was no reason to delve into that part of the problem. Before I go any further, I need to explain what emotions I'm referring to. The best analogy for stuttering is probably an iceberg. What people hear is the speech problem and think that's entirety of the problem, but there is so much more that you don't see beneath the surface. The emotional baggage that a stutterer develops as a result of having difficulty finding their voice can be overwhelming. This is the full picture of a stutterer.
Unless you are someone who has gained the intimate trust of stutterer, you may not ever hear the emotions that lie beneath the speech problem get addressed. It may come as a shock that a stutter can cause so much turmoil, but it does. Facing it alone can compound that turmoil exponentially. This brings me back to Atlas. The burden on my shoulders that I chose to face alone is my stutter. I have always felt out of step with world around me as a result of it and felt isolated because there was no one who understood my experience.
Now this part is my fault because I have always avoided support groups and organizations dedicated to stutterers due to my reluctance to confront the emotional toll that it had taken on me. I basically never wanted to see the struggle in others that I face within myself. If I dared to do that, it became real and I couldn't ignore it. That also meant facing the reality that being a stutterer could possibly be a permanent part of my life. Well last night I attended my first support group and it was every bit as emotional for me as I anticipated. I saw the struggle of others and knew exactly how they felt. The therapeutic part of the experience is that they knew exactly how I felt too, without me having to explain. The power is empathy is truly amazing!
My current sessions with a speech therapist is what led me to finally facing the reality that part of my identity as a person is that I am a stutterer and that will NEVER change. This week I sat in front of my therapist and realized that I would have rather been anywhere else in the world than there. I reminisced about my childhood therapy sessions and I would have never guessed that 20 years later I would be sitting with therapist struggling with the same problem. I thought ahead another 20 years and saw myself as a middle-aged man still dealing with life as stutterer and I felt exhausted by that prospect. It hit me that I had to make a choice to accept this part of my life as it is or continue to be in denial. I'm choosing to accept it, confront it and get it under control.
The conclusion that I have come to is that it's always better to face reality than ignore it. If you can face it with a support system, then take advantage of it because it's not only for your benefit, but the benefit of others. My pride has been pushing me to face the world alone, but my commonsense is beginning to take over and make me realize that I don't need to. I am no longer Atlas.
